ARE YOU READY FOR THANKSGIVING HELL WEEK?
Purge from you mind the Norman Rockwell,1943 “Freedom from want” painting of a happy family sitting down to celebrate a meal together. What no family member will honestly tell you, is that Thanksgiving dinner is not about the laughter coming out of the kitchen, or the aromatic smell of a freshly baked turkey sitting on your dinning room table awaiting carving.
No, Thanksgiving dinner was never meant as a means to bring distant family and friends together in “thanks” to God, for the bounty of our lives. This yearly occasion was, from its very creation, meant as a means to harden children and adults alike by forcing them into a confined space, with people they can't stand or tolerate in their normal lives. The Thanksgiving holiday is for all intents, equivalent to the Navy's Seal “Hell Week” training.
Truth be told, the native American Indians and New World settlers did not originally create the holiday out of gratitude. But actually, as a means to abuse and punish each other while not actually declaring war upon the other party.
Like the Navy's Hell Week, the participants in Thanksgiving Week, begin their training weeks in advance by compiling a list of everyone that will be subjected to the holiday. Intentional emphasis is place on inviting long thought/wished dead relatives whose very obnoxious presence in a room can drive some family members into uncontrollable Afib, seizures and rage. Then there is the family's least favorite Aunt, whose worsening medical conditions require every person at the event to sit down at least once, and hear her talk about her weak bladder control issues.
And lastly, there is the younger brother / Uncle who is on the crest of getting his life together after decades of drug abuse. And unlike some others in the family, this brother/ Uncle only talks about his drug use, his nearly dying from drugs, and his recovery in AA. Having two or three people like this all but guarantees, the right toxic mix of sadistic abuse, and Too Much Information. Once these invitees have confirmed their attendance, the real work begins. List after list of dishes, and the subsequent myriad of ingredients is compiled and financed.
Soon afterward, the nerve racking task of assigning the never ending menu of dishes to reluctant, and unwilling guests, who in reality, only eat “take out” food for the entire year prior attending. This fact clearly shows in the number of under cooked meat dishes, and raw green bean casserole dishes that show up at the table on the day. Then there are those who begrudgingly say they will make some form of dessert for the party. These very same people who have long forgotten the taste and flavor of a fresh carrot, will undoubtedly bring a stale, crust hardened flavorless pie from the only gas station found open on the way to the dinner.
All of the culinary abuse aside, the real reason for the Thanksgiving Hell week, is the collection of multiple, clashing, grinding and psychotic personalities collected around the table. This holiday, like Navy's Hell Week, is specifically designed as a proving ground for dealing with rude and obnoxious people later in life, and not having any polite escape out of it.
And the fact that the number of Millennials and Generation Zer's who celebrate Thanksgiving continues to drop, is made clear from their limited ability to deal with adversity, on the many social boards they frequent.
These two generations of Americans grew up with safe conversations, safe rooms, and safe ideas. Had these generations been forced to attend Thanksgiving Hell Week every year until they reached college, there would have been no need for safe rooms at the universities. Sitting next to touchy-feely, chronic alcoholic Uncle Robert, every holiday would have toughened even the meekest Gen Zer. And after enough stories about bladder surgeries and colon bag cleansing, the most limp wrist-ed, Millennial would have a grown a steel rod for a spine.
Thanksgiving holidays test its volunteers to be able to “pass the gravy” to Democratic Socialist cousin Sara, without first spitting in it. It's participants are allowed to take out their shear hatred of Grandma Johnson's greediness and selfishness by carving on the remains of a Honey Baked Ham, rather than on the old bag herself. Have you not noticed how dangerous Thanksgiving carving forks are? Their four inch prongs are designed on purpose to impale loud, obnoxious children through the heart. And yet, in spite of the cornucopia of , electric carvers, deadly tools and opportunities to rid the world of these parasitic relatives and neighbors, there are very few reported casualties of the Thanksgiving Hell week.
To survive until the last bit of pumpkin pie is unceremoniously scrapped off its gold-painted dessert plate, meant that a person was tried, true and tested. Having sat in the cozy confines of your Aunt Sally's parlor for over four hours without stabbing, or beating another guest with a wine bottle, showed the restraint necessary to live a long life within society. Thanksgiving forces a person to deal face to face with people you don't like, means you are properly socialized and fit to be part of the human family.
With the invention and growth of Social Media over the last 25 years, our younger generations are slowly loosing their ability and willingness to engage people that are different from them. It matters not if that person is a family member or not, Social Media allows a person to simply “BLOCK” opinions and thoughts that are counter to one's own. And as these generations grow, their social skin with get thinner and thinner, until the person only has room in their life for their own, un-challenged opinion.
And for that very reason, is why Thanksgiving dinners together are so important to every person and to our society. The expectations of the holiday force all of us, to live and let live. And to say, “Please and thank you” to the others at this holiday table we call life. The Thanksgiving table allows each of us to grow and become better, and more tolerant people. And when as you put on your coat to leave, the fact that you did not impale Rachel's nasty little daughter with the carving forks, shows there is hope for you in the world.
God Bless and enjoy the coming holidays.
